Playing in a brass band is not all serious and hard work. We enjoy a laugh and a good joke as much as anyone else. Just to show the lighter side of things, here are a few (clean) musical based jokes and stories. Please feel free to contribute your own musical joke or humours story using the form at the bottom of the page.
| Q: | What is the difference between first cornet and second cornet? |
| A: | Usually about two bars! |
| Supplied by Nigel Bird of KCB |
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| Q: | What is the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? |
| A: | The bassoon burns for longer! |
| Supplied by Nigel Bird of KCB |
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| Q: | What is the difference between a dead rabbit lying in the road and a dead trombone player lying in the road? |
| A: | There are skid marks in front of the rabbit! |
| Supplied by Chris Lewis of KCB |
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The Kettledrum
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| Taken from a postcard supplied by Martin Bird of KCB |
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| Q: | How can you tell when there is a percussionist knocking at your door? |
| A: | The knocking gets louder and quicker, and they don't know when to come in. |
| Supplied by Nigel Bird of KCB |
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| Q: | What do you do if you run over a horn player? |
| A: | Reverse and make sure they are dead! |
| Supplied by Chris Lewis of KCB |
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| Q: | How can you tell when the stage the band is playing on is level? |
| A: | The percussionist dribbles evenly from both sides of his mouth! |
| Supplied by Nigel Bird of KCB |
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| Q: | What is the difference between an onion and an oboe? |
| A: | Nobody cries when you cut up an oboe. |
| Supplied by Nigel Bird of KCB |
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| Q: | How do you get a percussionist to play accelerando? |
| A: | Tell him to play a steady 4 / 4! |
| Supplied by Nigel Bird of KCB |
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| Q: | What chord do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? |
| A: | A Flat Minor!!! |
| Supplied by Jon Bailey of KCB |
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| Q: | What's the best way to confuse a drummer? |
| A: | Put a sheet of music in front of him. |
| Supplied by Ben Wood of KCB |
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| Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up!" |
| Mom replies, "But Johnny, you can't do both." |
| Supplied by Ben Wood of KCB |
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Homer Simpson's version of Doe Ray Me:
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| Dough: | the stuff that buys my beer |
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| Ray: | the man that sells me beer |
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| Me: | the one that drinks my beer |
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| Far: | a long way to my beer |
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| So: | I think I'll have a beer |
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| La: | la la la la la beer |
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| Tea: | no thanks I'm drinking beer |
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| That will bring us back to "DOH"!
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| Supplied by Jon Bailey of KCB |
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| Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 pound note and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 pound notes, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20 pound notes out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?" |
| Supplied by Ben Wood of KCB |
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| In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor. |
| Supplied by Ben Wood of KCB |
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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Brass!
Brass who?
Brass Ierre! |
| Supplied by Tim Coxon of Leeds, UK |
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| Q: | What do you get if you cross a serpent with a cornet? |
| A: | A snake in the brass! |
| Supplied by Jon Bailey of KCB |
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| Q: | What's the difference between a viola and a chainsaw? |
| A: | Vibrato, but you can minimise this difference by holding the chainsaw very, very still! |
| Supplied by Adam Kearley Newhaven, Sussex |
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| Q: | How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? |
| A: | Shoot one! |
| Supplied by Adam Kearley Newhaven, Sussex |
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| Q: | How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? |
| A: | Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of split, wrong notes! |
| Supplied by Adam Kearley Newhaven, Sussex |
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| Musical definitions:
Bassoon: Your reply when asked what you want to catch, and when.
Detachi: Indication for the trombones to play with no slides.
Bar Line: Group of musicians during the interval. |
| Supplied by Adam Kearley Newhaven, Sussex |
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| Q: |
What do you call a person that hangs out with musicians? |
| A: | A drummer. |
| Supplied by Alan McNaught of KCB |
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| Q: | How many cornet players does it take to change a light bulb? |
| A: | Five. One to change it and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. |
| Supplied by Alan McNaught of KCB |
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| Q: | What is a gentleman? |
| A: | Someone who knows how to play the drums, but doesn't. |
| Supplied by Alan McNaught of KCB |
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| Q: | How do you know when a trombone player is at your door? |
| A: | The doorbell shrieks! |
| Supplied by Alan McNaught of KCB |
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| Q: | What is the difference between government bonds and percussionists? |
| A: | Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. |
| Supplied by Kelly Wagner of Danville, Indiana, U.S.A. |
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| Q: | How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
| A: | None, we cant afford lighbulbs. |
| Supplied by Heather of Toledo, Ohio, U.S.A. |
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| Q: | What's the difference between a lawnmower and an alto sax? |
| A: |
- lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles
- the neighbours actually mind if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it
- the grip
- lawnmowers are easier to tune
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| Supplied by Sara Holmes of Suffolk, Virginia, U.S.A. |
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| Q: | What's gold with red spots? |
| A: | A rusty trumpet. |
| Supplied by Nick of Nova Scotia, Canada. |
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| Q: | What do trombone players use for birth control? |
| A: | Their personalities |
| Supplied by Nichy of Hickory, Kentucky, U.S.A. |
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| Q: | What do pirates and trumpeters have in common? |
| A: | The both do murder on the high "C's". |
| Supplied by Kelsey of Monticello, Minnesota, U.S.A. |
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| Q: |
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? |
| A: | Violins don't have spit valves. |
| Supplied by Kayla of Nova Scotia, Canada. |
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Please feel free to send your own favourite musical joke or story for possible inclusion on this page. If used, I will give you full credit for it (unless you ask me not to).
